6 reasons you struggle to love yourself

Some simple ways you might be tripping all over yourself in this moment and some wisdom to stop it

1. You’re living someone else’s script

Maybe it’s your parents’ expectations, society’s definition of success, or what you think others want from you. If your choices are shaped by someone else’s rules, it’s no wonder you feel disconnected.

Loving yourself starts with figuring out what you actually want and letting go of what doesn’t feel right for you. It's easier said than done but you have to do the work to figure it out.

“Who exactly do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? What are your personal ideals? Whom do you admire? What are their special traits that you would make your own It's time to stop being vague. If you wish to be an extraordinary person, if you wish to become wise, then you should explicitly identify the kind of person you aspire to become. If you have a daybook, write down who you're trying to be, so that you can refer to this self-determination. Precisely describe the demeanor you want to adopt so that you may preserve it when you are by yourself or with other people.”

- Epictetus

2. You’re constantly comparing

It’s so easy to scroll and think, “Why don’t I have what they have?” But remember, you’re seeing the best parts of someone else’s life, not their struggles. Your journey is unique, and your worth has nothing to do with anyone else’s highlight reel.

Don't stop there though. If you need to believe that others are not as happy or as successful as they portray in order to be at peace with yourself, you'll never escape the suffering of comparison and be able to truly love yourself - just for who you are.

“When we compare, we see ourselves as superior, inferior, or as trying to be equal. But with this kind of comparing comes discrimination, and with discrimination comes suffering.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

3. You think criticism equals growth

You might believe that being tough on yourself will make you better. But ask yourself: has self-criticism ever left you feeling motivated and strong?

Real growth comes from encouragement and patience, not tearing yourself down. Critique, sure. Learn from your mistakes and aspire to be better, sure. But above all, be kinder to yourself. It works better.

“We don’t make lasting, constructive changes in our lives because of shame or self-loathing. We finally decide we were made for something more. This might come to us as a very small sense of knowing, but it’s a change in perspective, and it is the soil for new life.”

– Leeana Tankersley

4. You’re waiting for ‘when’

You tell yourself, I’ll love myself when I’m thinner, richer, more successful. But the truth is, if you can’t accept yourself now, those milestones won’t bring the fulfilment you’re chasing. Start small. Appreciate one thing about yourself today, just as you are.

"Life is so big. Do not try to fill it. Instead, expand within. You are enough for you."

– Bryant McGill

5. You’re carrying old wounds

The harsh words, the betrayals, the times you were made to feel less-than - they can leave deep scars. But those moments don’t define you. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means giving yourself permission to believe in your own worth again.

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim—letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”

― C.R. Strahan

6. You forget to be kind to yourself

Think about how you’d comfort a friend who’s struggling. Now, compare that to how you talk to yourself. Chances are, it’s not the same. Start treating yourself with the same care and compassion. Even a small shift in your self-talk can make a big difference.

"Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world."

— Pema Chödrön

Loving yourself is messy and imperfect, but it’s worth it. Start with one small step. You deserve it.

I’m going to add more bits and pieces over time in the comments. Do you have some wisdom or resources you can recommend to help others who may be struggling with loving themselves?