3 reflections and 11 wishes on my birthday

Sharing with you on my birthday a few insights and the desires they've inspired

It's my birthday. Well, technically it’s the day before where I currently am. I'm sitting in my apartment hotel room in Krakow on one of the comfiest arm chairs in the world. Taking some rest in between some activities, I'm listening to the sound of rain outside, on a particularly grey day. the semi-separate lounge area of this hotel room has an automated cover for 2 large roof windows, and I've opened them up, to be able to look up at the grey sky and the rain drops - now gently - hitting the glass. Perhaps most perfectly,  to add to the awesome vibe of this moment, I'm playing some Chopin in the background. Nocturnes in Chopin to be precise. It's wonderful.

And whilst my feet are slightly throbbing, and physically I am slightly tired, I notice how different this tired is from the kind of tired I sometimes feel after a long day of sitting at my computer or in the office, engaging in work conversations.

Yet, there are those days where work feels more like travel.

A conversation with colleagues can feel like a trip to a museum, albeit the historical artefacts may instead be some creative diagrams in a Miro board. Nonetheless, the spirit of travel can be so ephemeral when we return to our normal lives, and yet in this moment I'm sure there's more of that spirit we can keep with us when we return to home and work. And perhaps this is true of many areas of our life we presume to be so separate from each other.

So, on my day commemorating another trip around the sun in this physical form, I'd like to share some reflections I've had over the past year, or at least reflections that have appeared more predominantly in my life this past year, even if not for the first time. And I’d like to make some birthday wishes.

1) Behaviour, motivation and validation

I’ve been interested in behavioural psychology for over 20 years, and have studied it both formally and informally for about as long. As a coach who cares more about people than processes, it’s an integral part of my identity to be curious about what motivates people to behave the way they do.

More recently - over the past couple of years in particular - I’ve noticed something in a lot of people: Behavioural tendencies are definitely rooted in childhood experiences, and problematic behaviours that won’t go away can often be traced in some form to adverse childhood experiences and acute or complex trauma.

But what really makes behavioural patterns sticky is the validation mechanisms associated with those behaviours. If you want to find out why someone keeps acting in a certain way, try and understand how they have become conditioned to expect to be validated for that behaviour in a particular way.

I touched on this somewhat in a previous article:

Self-sabotage and the fear of success

Then, instead of getting frustrated and trying to convince the person (or yourself for that matter!) to simply change the behaviour, you might be able to figure out how to give them the kind of validation they’re addicted to and associate it with a more positive behaviour.

I wish more people could be more patient and compassionate with others. Understand that whatever bugs you about someone probably has a deeper motivation and validation for them associated with it.

2) Instruction vs direction

Instruction and direction are two very different things. Instruction provides detailed steps on how to perform a specific task, offering clear guidance on the "how". In contrast, direction sets out the broader vision or desired outcome, focusing on the "what", and often allows employees the autonomy to decide on the approach. While instruction is prescriptive, direction grants room for creative problem-solving and initiative.

It sounds pretty blatantly obvious, but what I’ve noticed in the last year is that in practice many leaders are not mindful about whether they’re providing instruction or direction, and many people - both at work and just in life in general - are not conscious about how they might be wanting more direction but end up asking for more instruction, or vice versa.

A leader might want employees who act more creatively and autonomously, but then struggle to provide clear direction because they struggle to articulate their own vision, and end up defaulting to providing instruction. The employee ends up feeling like they’re missing something they should already know, and in this state of insecurity, default to asking an instruction question like, “What do you need me to do?”

For the leaders, fixing this tendency requires quite a deep dive into learning how to be clearer in communicating their vision or goals from a higher perspective, but I’ve realised that for everyone there is simple and practical advice you can take to work and beyond.

Shift your default from asking “What do you need me to do?” to “What would you like me to achieve?”

Making this shift will have ripple effects in your life that will help you become more assertive and create more positive and happy vibes around you. I might go into that more at another time.

I wish more people would invest more time in clarifying with themselves and others what they really want and why; and give others the space, trust and time to do what they need to figure out the how, even if it might mean slowing down a little.

3) The glorification of knowing

It breaks my heart how many people have an irrational fear of not already having all the answers. By “the answers” I mean in any situation not already knowing whatever might need to be known about whatever is being discussed. And it brings on a subtle to severe fear of being judged, failed or even ostracised from the tribe.

Somewhere along the way, people have been conditioned to associate relative ignorance with being a liability and weakness, and assuming the person who holds the most knowledge in a group interaction is the most valuable. As a coach and consultant I very often joke that I need to ask a dumb question, and will very often get thanks from someone else later for asking whatever I asked.

So, I know that there is plenty of power in embracing your relative ignorance and becoming better at wielding it in a useful way. I wrote about this quite a lot in my last post, “Every decision is an answer to a question”.

Every decision is an answer to a question

I’ve known this for many years though. The reflection I’ve had more clearly over the past year is just how insidious the glorification of knowing can be. It makes insecure people more insecure. It makes timid people more timid. It makes arrogant people more arrogant. It makes quiet people quieter and loud people louder (and usually more noisy).

I wish people from a young age and throughout their adulthood were validated and rewarded more regularly for their curiosity and asking questions, rather than just providing answers. And I wish more people embraced their relative ignorance and used it to fuel their super power of curiosity. There would be so many more interesting and cooler people to meet and interact with!

Some other wishes

Not an actual photo of me in Poland :-P

I’ve had a lot more reflections this past year via some very rich experiences. Alas, since I’m travelling and don’t want to spend too long writing, I’ll just quickly share some other wishes that come to mind at the moment, without going into as much explanation. These are in no particular order.

• I wish people gave other people the benefit of the doubt by default.

• I wish more people cared about being known well, more than caring about being well known.

• I wish more people would talk to strangers, not because they like hearing their own voice, but because you never know where your next best friend might be waiting for you.

• I wish organisational leaders were more receptive to going further together than going faster alone.

• I wish more friends reached out in times of need and felt less guilty or self-conscious about it. Being a friend in need is a fulfilling responsibility.

• I wish more parents cared about their children, than caring about raising and having “good” children.

• I wish more people cultivated a habit of asking for and receiving feedback, and that it was completely normal and comfortable in the world to exchange constructive criticism from a place of love and kindness.

• I wish everyone remembered their mortality more regularly and were determined to have more fun all the time with whatever time we have left.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading some of my birthday reflections and wishes. Let me know in the comments if any of them resonated with you, and if you have any of your own that you’d like to share.