How to be kind to yourself when you're taking sick leave

Three things that made me go from feeling guilt and shame about prioritising my well-being to being comfortable taking time off work to take care of myself

I've been very ill for about a week and a half. But I'm feeling fairly relaxed. Allow me to explain.

I was hit by a very bad and stubborn fever for a couple of days, and once it got under control, the chesty cough kicked in and has been relentless - the kind that feels like someone is kicking me in the head at the same time. I was diagnosed with a respiratory infection and am on my second course of antibiotics now.

All in all, a terrible way to start the year. I don't recommend it at all.

So, why am I pretty relaxed?

I've been reflecting on my relationship with taking sick leave from work (day job and personal projects too) and how it's evolved over the years.

There was a time when I would become overwhelmed with guilt and sometimes even embarrassment about being sick and taking leave for it. It perhaps came from some difficult experiences when I was much younger when my pain would not be validated and I felt "wrong" for being unwell and needing to rest.

Over the years of learning and healing, I got to a point where I was more okay with taking leave but my brain was still trying to run and there was still residual guilt and shame associated with being sick and resting.

I made up a lot of stories about it:

• "I'm going to fall behind."

• "I'll get labelled as unreliable."

• "I'm going to lose all my momentum."

• "Hustlers sleep when they're dead."

A lot of BS like that.

Over the past couple of years, something has shifted. Even when I'm feeling as sick as a dog, my overall stress levels stay under control and I'm actually able to focus on my recovery without worrying about work too much.

I realised that there have been 3 things that made a world of difference.

1. How others talk to me.

2. How I talk to myself.

3. Taking a long-term, more patient view of life.

How others talk to me

This isn't something I've had much control over, but I've realised over time I can influence it to some extent by choosing what kind of people I work with, whenever I have some say in the matter.

You see, I've been privy to two types of managers and two types of teams throughout my career, both first-hand and through other people's stories.

There's the first type of manager that acknowledges when you're sick, says "Okay" and possibly reminds you of your administrative responsibilities that you need to attend to. And that's as far as their communication goes.

I've noticed that this type usually comes with teammates and colleagues that at best give a thumbs-up reaction to your post notifying of your circumstances, if they don't just ignore you completely until you're back at work.

Then there's the second type of manager that treats you like a human being, expresses compassionate well-wishes, and encourages you to prioritise self-care sincerely and kindly. 

I've noticed that this type usually comes with teammates and colleagues who end up modelling this behaviour and also extend their personal well-wishes to varying degrees.

Coincidental correlation? I don't think so.

Okay, okay, I'll admit there is actually a spectrum. But most of the time I've observed managers and teams falling close to the opposite ends of this spectrum. 

I'm very lucky that I currently work with the second type of manager. And it makes a world of difference. It not only makes me feel more psychologically safe to take care of myself, but it also makes me feel positive and enthusiastic to return to work and my colleagues when I can safely do so.

If you're in the position of being a manager, or even a co-worker to someone who is even mildly sick, remember that it's one of the most vulnerable and self-doubt-generating experiences a lot of people can go through.

And if you think responding to someone who is letting you know they're off sick in a neutral and "professional" way is being respectful of their personal boundaries, more often than not you'd be wrong. 

Having discussed this with many other people, I can confirm it's not just me.

People want to know that you give a shit about them as a person, not just a professional resource. So take 30 seconds and give a shit. And express it too.

Do you agree or disagree? Tell me in the comments.

How I talk to myself

This is of course something I have much greater control over. It has a lot to do with my inner dialogue - both in terms of what I say to myself and when I need to tell a self-degrading voice in my mind to STFU.

What I've learned over the past few years - and was especially reinforced when I had a very serious bout of COVID-19 a couple of years ago - is that it's helpful to remember that my physical entity (brain, body and mind) is a vehicle for being of service to others and enjoying the world, and from time to time this vehicle is going to need repair and maintenance. And there is a level of luck and epigenetics involved in how much might be needed. 

Comparing myself to others is of course counterproductive. The most important thing though is to not start identifying with it entirely. My health and wellness - good and bad - is a part of my human experience; it doesn't have to define who I am as a person or be a moral judgement of my self-worth. 

The same goes for you.

This may seem blatantly obvious to you, and if it is then that's great. 

The reason I'm writing this is because I know that it hasn't always been obvious to me, and I've worked with clients and colleagues who it hasn't been obvious for either. And when we're not mindful of these reminders, our inner dialogue can turn nasty and we can be very unkind to ourselves.

If you are by default kind to yourself in such circumstances, I hope this will encourage you to be more empathetic towards others who may not be so kind towards themselves.

And if you relate to what I'm describing because you're not great at speaking with yourself kindly when you're sick, hopefully, these reminders that have helped me can help you too.

Taking a long-term, more patient view of life

This is the deepest one.

If you have a habit of judging your self-worth, productivity and quality of life on a weekly, fortnightly or even monthly basis, you are setting yourself up for becoming miserable and burning yourself out.

Think about this. A typical cold virus has a lifecycle of about 10 days. In that time, you might be functional whilst fighting off the cold, but you'll definitely be sub-optimal in your general performance.

If you happen to have an infection like mine, it can take anywhere between 7 and 30 days to get back to even a reasonable level of functionality. 

If you judge yourself and your life on shorter-term cycles, every time you get sick, you'll end up feeling like you "screwed up". God forbid you have something that knocks you out for longer, or just more intensely, you'll be beating yourself up on top of whatever damage the disease is doing.

Research in the last 20 years has pointed out the relationship between stress and immunology more clearly. The bottom line is that psychological stress imposes an overload on the autoimmune functions of the human body and can slow down recovery and performance, and have a longer-term impact on the body's immune response for future battles.

But just telling yourself, "Don’t stress, this too shall pass." isn't always enough.

When I got sick this time around, I was in the middle of:

1. taking care of my dad as he was recovering from a serious surgery

2. starting a new health and fitness regime that was going very well

3. looking forward to returning to some particular work initiatives after the holidays

4. gaining good traction with my writing practice

5. setting up some great connections for professional networking

6. about to meet with some business clients to discuss some interesting collaborations for the year ahead

7. a couple of really cool personal plans too!

All of those things came to a grinding halt.

Naturally, I was upset. 

What assisted me in staying calm wasn't just telling myself to relax and concentrate on recuperating. I also reminded myself how brief a period of 2 to 4 weeks actually is. And that the key is to get back on track, regain that positive momentum when possible, and maintain focus on long-term horizons. 

I know that if I do this then when I reflect back in a year I won't be remorseful of the few weeks I missed, but rather, I'll celebrate almost an entire year filled with creativity, productivity, and enjoyment.

It's taken me twice as long to write this amidst breaking out into coughing fits throughout it, but I hope this encourages you to be kinder to yourself and to others around you when you or they need to take some time off from being 'productive' and just take care of yourself for a while.

If you think this article can help make the world a little kinder, then please kindly share it with others.