Identity dissonance and how to become whole
Explore the struggle of feeling torn between two worlds, and a practical approach to find your true self and all the inner peace that comes with it.
Growing up, I often didn’t feel sure if I was Indian or Australian. I wasn't sure if I was a teacher's pet or a bad boy. I wasn't sure if I was an introvert or an extravert. I wasn't sure if I was a lot of things, or their seeming opposites.
One day I’d be listening to hip-hop and then feel a pinch of displacement that would only be relieved by blasting some bhangra. If I watched too many Indian movies in a row, I’d start to feel a little disorientated and would need to watch a Hollywood blockbuster to feel some equanimity again, until the need to reconnect with Akshay Kumar or Govinda crept back in!
Going deeper, I often wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be the youngest child in my family - which I biologically am - or was to play the role of the eldest. In recent years I’ve gained a better appreciation of how not only did some adverse childhood experiences cause me a lot of suffering and challenges, but it resulted in a fragmented sense of self that would have negative repercussions for many years.
These days, as a professional coach, I work with many clients who face similar uncertainties and experience the emotional toll that comes with this feeling of not knowing who they’re supposed to be or who they really are.
I know this suffering well, and my heart goes out to my clients and friends when I notice they’re experiencing this but haven’t been taught how to recognise or resolve it.
In this article I want to help anyone who feels their sense of self is being torn apart in different directions for whatever reasons. If you're overwhelmed or paralysed by the strain of trying to define who you are, this is for you.
Let's start by introducing a term that encapsulates this experience: identity dissonance.
Understanding identity dissonance
Identity dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort one feels when there's a discrepancy between different aspects of their identity. This concept has its roots in psychological theories dating back to the early 20th century, including Carl Jung's ideas about the "persona" and the "self," as well as Leon Festinger's theory of cognitive dissonance.
Family Systems Theory adds another layer to this understanding. Developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen in the 1950s, Family Systems Theory posits that an individual's behaviour and emotional well-being are best understood in the context of their family unit. The theory suggests that families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, and that one member's behaviour affects all other members. In this framework, the family system can often set the stage for identity dissonance, especially if there are conflicting expectations or roles within the family.
Complex trauma, often stemming from prolonged exposure to traumatic events, particularly in childhood, can also significantly contribute to this dissonance. The psychological and behavioural coping mechanisms developed to survive such trauma can sometimes lead to fragmented parts of the self, making it difficult to have a cohesive identity.
For example, consider someone who grew up in an abusive household. To cope with the emotional and perhaps physical abuse, they might develop different "parts" or personas. One part might be the "pleaser," always trying to keep the peace and avoid conflict. Another part might be the "defiant one," standing up to the abuser and fighting back. Yet another part might be the "numb one," who emotionally detaches to survive the experience.
These parts are developed as survival mechanisms but can lead to identity dissonance later in life. The person might struggle with understanding who they truly are outside of these coping mechanisms, leading to feelings of being torn between different aspects of their identity.
What can identity dissonance look like?
There are some clear and not so clear ways that identity dissonance might show up in your life. Here are some examples you might be able to relate to:
Let’s say you're a first-generation immigrant, like me. You might love wearing traditional attire for cultural functions, but then be self-conscious about what to wear so you don’t stand out any more than you already do when you’re at school. This could lead to feelings of isolation, as you may not feel fully accepted by either community. I suffered this for a long time and described it as feeling a kind of home sickness wherever I was. I’ve pretty much got that sorted out now, and you can too.
You might also find yourself behaving differently in various social settings—being the outgoing "life of the party" with friends but reserved and quiet in family gatherings. This can lead to confusion and a lack of a cohesive sense of self, as you're constantly switching between different "masks".
I experienced this a lot myself growing up, and was constantly called out for it, which heightened my anxiety about needing to show up in a particular way that didn’t feel natural. In a sense, I’m writing this article for my teenage self as well!
Another common scenario is growing up in a family where academic or professional success is highly valued, but your passion lies in the arts or social work. This can manifest as anxiety or depression, stemming from the feeling that you have to choose between disappointing your family or suffocating yourself.
Similarly, you might find yourself in a job that pays well but conflicts with your personal values or interests. Until you end up in a job that is very well aligned with your values and interests but the pay isn’t great. Now you’re not sure whether to stay or leave. This dissonance can lead to burnout and a sense of emptiness, as you struggle to reconcile your professional identity with your true self.
I’ve got one more for you. Questioning religious beliefs can be a particularly intense source of identity dissonance, especially if you come from a highly religious community. This struggle is not just intellectual but often emotional and social as well. You might grapple with feelings of guilt for questioning teachings that you've been told are sacred.
At the same time, you may face social repercussions, such as distancing from community members or even outright ostracization. This multi-layered conflict can lead to a profound sense of isolation and emotional distress, as you try to reconcile your evolving beliefs with the expectations of your community.
Identity dissonance and mental health
The emotional toll of constantly questioning one's identity can manifest as anxiety, depression, and a decline in self-esteem. The impact is often more pronounced if you've experienced complex trauma, as the fragmented self can lead to additional psychological distress.
Over time, any of the examples above can lead to burnout and a decline in mental well-being, as you struggle to reconcile different parts of your identity, sometimes without even realising that this is something you’re spending energy on at an unconscious level.
Research has shown that identity-related issues can significantly impact mental health. For instance, a study on essential and non-essential workers during the COVID-19 pandemic found that disruptions in work roles led to identity threats and affected mental health (Ward van Zoonen et al., 2022).
Aspects of identity, such as social identity and self-stigma, can influence the intention to seek mental health assistance (Carrie N. Baker et al., 2022). Another study found that parenting styles can affect the mental health of college students, mediated by proactive personality and self-identity (Ming-Chun Hong and D. Dyakov, 2021).
Resolving conflicting identities
Taking steps to resolve identity dissonance is not just about alleviating psychological discomfort. It's also about embarking on a journey toward a more integrated, authentic and whole self. I have experienced this myself and seen the amazing benefits others have gained from dealing with their inner conflicts of identity specifically.
Self-awareness
Understanding the roots of your identity dissonance starts with self-awareness. Take some time to reflect on the conflicting identities that are causing you stress or discomfort. You can do this through journaling, using prompts like "Today, I felt torn between my [insert identity] and my [insert another identity] when..." to guide your reflection. Over time, you'll start to see patterns that can help you understand your conflicting identities better.
Soothing strategies
Identity dissonance can be triggered in various situations and it’s good to have some tools in your back pocket to help in those moments. Social settings like family gatherings or workplace meetings can bring conflicting aspects of your identity to the forefront. Not to mention, social media and news can be plenty triggering, especially when you encounter contrasting opinions or lifestyles that make you question your own identity.
Even the act of making a decision can sometimes trigger identity dissonance. Choosing between spending time with family or dedicating time to a personal project, for example, can create a momentary internal crisis. Unexpected questions or comments from others that touch on sensitive aspects of your identity can also be triggering. In such instances, the emotional and psychological toll can be immediate, making quick soothing strategies essential for regaining equilibrium.
So here are some staples you can add to your personal mental wellbeing toolkit:
Box breathing: When you feel overwhelmed, practice box breathing. Inhale deeply through your nose, filling your lungs completely. Hold your breath for a count of four, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. Hold again for a count of four. Repeat this cycle five times.
Progressive muscle relaxation: Start at your toes and work your way up through your body, tensing and then relaxing each muscle group. This can help you become aware of physical sensations when your conflicting identities are causing you stress.
5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This technique can help bring you back to the present moment and away from the stress of identity dissonance.
Quick physical exercise: Sometimes, physical movement can help to break the cycle of stressful thoughts. If you feel overwhelmed, try doing a quick set of jumping jacks, push-ups, or even just stretching. The endorphin release can help improve your mood and perspective fast.
Define your true self
The ultimate aim in resolving identity dissonance is to define and embrace your true self. This involves acknowledging the multiple facets of your identity and understanding that they all contribute to who you are as a whole person.
The dissonance often arises not from the existence of these different identities, but from the perception that they’re mutually exclusive or in conflict. It's crucial to recognise and remember that you are a whole person by default, and the dissonance is often a perception that persists until you decide to choose and own your sense of self.
In this journey of self-definition, there are a lot of helpful approaches that can accelerate the internal conflict resolution. One such approach is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which talks about ‘Parts Integration’. In IFS, each individual has a "Self" that is their true, whole, and integrated identity, and various "parts" that have their own perspectives, feelings, and memories.
There is also increasing research in psychedelic therapy and how it can support healing from complex trauma and resolve identity conflicts and associated behavioural challenges through the “disruption and revision of mental representations of the self (Letheby, C., 2021).”
You can also look up the parts integration technique used in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, which is similar but different. I’ve experienced this myself and used it in my coaching practice with clients and it’s usually quite powerful. All that said, the key takeaway here is that acknowledging and honouring all these parts can help you realise that you are more than the sum of your conflicting identities.
Even much simpler exercises like exploring and writing down your values, foundational beliefs and principles, strengths and preferences, can go a long way to give you a sense of holding the brush with which you can paint your own picture of your self, and free yourself from feeling unclearly defined by past experiences or other people’s expectations of who you could or should be.
And as you progress further in adulthood, it can be invaluable to pause and take the time to get to know yourself and define who you are as an individual that has a complex tapestry of lived experience, values, opinions, preferences and standards.
Becoming whole
Resolving identity dissonance is a transformative journey toward a more integrated, authentic self. The benefits of this integration are manifold. By reconciling conflicting identities, you empower yourself to live a life that is more aligned with your true self, thereby reducing the internal conflict that can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being.
Achieving a sense of wholeness can enrich your life in ways you might not have anticipated. It can improve your relationships, as you interact with others from a place of authenticity rather than tension. It can enhance your decision-making, as you'll be guided by a unified set of values and beliefs. It can even boost your self-esteem and overall mental health, as you shed the stress and anxiety that come with identity dissonance.
In a world that often pulls us in different directions, finding your own compass and defining your true self can be both liberating and grounding, and will empower you to live a more integrated, authentic life.
And from this place of knowing, defining and loving your whole self, I look forward to you joining me in being of greater service to others and the world we live in.