The gifts of compassion

In any relationship, especially when it gets rocky, the advice is almost always the same: focus on yourself. Control what you can—your reactions, your responses.

Seems solid, right?

But here’s where it gets tricky.

Most of us interpret this advice as a reason to disconnect. Distance yourself from the other person’s negativity. Protect your peace, stay in your lane. It feels good to draw that line. It feels safe.

But is it really?

Without a doubt, your boundaries matter. They keep you from losing yourself in someone else’s storm.

But there’s a subtle trap here.

If you’re constantly guarding your energy, your focus shifts. You stop seeing the person in front of you and start seeing their flaws, their anger, their frustration. You forget there’s a reason they’re acting that way.

The irony is, the more you focus on your own boundaries, the more disconnected you become. You lose touch with the why behind their actions, their hurt, their humanness.

And here’s the twist: you miss out on the very thing that could change everything.

Compassion.

Not the fluffy, people-pleasing kind. Real compassion. The kind that makes you stop for a second and look—really look—at the other person.

What’s underneath that frustration? What’s behind the walls they’re putting up? Are they scared? Lonely? Protecting their own wounds, just like you are?

Most people don’t talk about this. They’re quick to advise, "Set boundaries, walk away." And sure, there’s wisdom in that. But what if, by being so focused on keeping your own boundaries intact, you miss the chance to understand something deeper?

Think about it. What if the person pushing your buttons the most is the person who needs your understanding the most?

This doesn’t mean you have to put up with bad behaviour. It’s not about giving them a free pass. But what if—just for a moment—you could pause?

Instead of reacting, you choose to breathe. Hold space for their messiness. Their humanness.

When you do this, something shifts.

You might catch a glimpse of their struggle. The fears they don’t talk about. The vulnerability hidden beneath the surface.

That’s the magic of compassion. It opens a door. A door that judgment and self-protection keep firmly shut.

You might wonder: how does this help me? Why should I care?

Here’s the secret no one tells you: the more you step into compassion, the more you heal. The very connection you were protecting yourself from might be the connection that brings you the most growth. The most peace.

This doesn’t mean you tolerate mistreatment. Not at all. Your boundaries are still there, but now they’re flexible. Instead of being a hard wall, they become a filter—allowing you to protect yourself and stay open to the potential for deeper understanding.

It’s a strange, beautiful paradox: the more you give space for someone else’s imperfections, the more you recognise your own.

And in that recognition, something unexpected happens. You soften. You let go of the need to control everything. You realise that compassion doesn’t make you weak; it makes you stronger.

So the next time you’re in that moment—the one where every part of you wants to shut down or just simply walk away from the situation - because that’s more mature and sensible than reacting aggressively - pause. Look deeper.

Stay curious.

The gifts that compassion brings can change not just your relationship, but you.